It's been a while since I have written. I wrote a poem when last time. It's been over a year since my return to Oregon. It has taken a good long time to begin processing my life. I have fallen into depression some times, but I knowing that I need forward momentum I have forged forward in the area of school.

I thought I would have reconnected with more people. I have found that I have less connection with many than I had previously assumed. My heart has been very tired and finding much needed rest this year. I'm pursuing art, though even outside the blog I haven't written much. It has been a very dry year creatively speaking.

I met Traci while struggling through school. She is amazing, Her kindness has really been a shelter for me. This next year as I return to school, I am beginning to become more excited about the future. I have learned to hold on to love. I am still tired a lot, and have had a lot of medical things to deal with before the end of the year when I am set to lose insurance. And some repercussions of stress and pain. I have learned that I don't have to be super impressive. I have been made great before ever being noticed. I have learned to work hard and let go of minor stresses at work, at least in this particular environment. And I have learned to love a pet and be loved by one.

I am looking forward to my next term at school. One more go to conquer a math class I have dropped twice, a portrait photography, and film arts. It will be an easy term for me as far as work load goes. Math will be challenging, but I will work harder on it. I am also easing my workload in order to help be a support to Traci as she is taking on a much more challenging work load this term. I am very proud of her as she steps up and takes on the challenges between her and what she is passionate about doing.

I am reminded of my first term at school. It was so refreshing and invigorating to be back in school. I remember I had alarms to remind me of class times, buses, designated homework times, and even the ideal sleep and wake times. My system was flexible, I didn't have to follow the alarms, but I could lean on the framework of the alarms. Another strength I had in my studies was the way I read my text books. I don't gain much from simply reading over the text. I found a way to engage my mind in plowing slowly through the material and draw up knowledge passionately. I took notes on my reading. As I took notes on my reading I deliberately and consciously chose to take an interest in the material. If it was a subject I had little existing interest in I did my best in my notes to relate it to a subject I already had an interest in. I purposely took down important information that would certainly be needed for tests and such. However this was my education and I was owning it, not simply purchasing it. Whenever I had a thought that sprung off the page at me I would add it to my notes. Also whenever I had something to say about a nugget of information I would draw a line to separate my thoughts on a subject from the rest of my notes. I would mark on the outside edge of my paper what kind of notes each section was. I would have a conversation with the material on the paper and pull up as much passion as I could about the topic. If I was tired I rested. If I needed a break to allow my mind to let go of structure I did, and then I returned later to the structure. I didn't believe it when I was told that structure can be freeing, but I knew it that term like I hadn't ever known it. I passed with all As and Bs and was invited to be part of Phi Theta Kappa. I wish I had taken them up on that. Stress has got the better of me in all my subsequent terms. Now I am looking at how I did it well in the past so I can recreate the effect. 

Little Lows 6/8/2013 am

In the deeps and quiet places

My few chances to slip away and breathe

Light and lightly moving air

Color and sounds

Movement of plants and creatures and water

 

Just a taste of restfulness

A small rest of a birds tiny feet

Between one flight and the next

It is enough

 

A temporary slowing in the vast stream of time

Through mountains and valleys of beauty

Little highs and little lows

You give me little lows

 

My soul, it is learning to relax into you

You define the expanse and how vast it must be

You guide my journey

To fair havens

Or through colossal downpours

 

You’ve got me

I forgot that I know this well

Just a blink, a whisper, a memory, and a moment

A brief grasping of the branches to know they are there

And back to the heights with the little lows below

The Usefulness of Flowers

I recently heard someone laying out their reasoning for disliking flowers and finding them entirely meaningless. His reasoning was that they in fact had no usefulness. I knew I disagreed wholeheartedly with him, but had little to say of it at the time. I knew he had a personality quite at the other end of the spectrum. I had run across this difference between me and such people enough that it was easy to understand why I felt so strong in the other direction in strange contrast to his line of thinking.

Flowers are beautiful. They appeal both to my senses and my appreciation for them goes much deeper. I enjoy looking at them, touching them, and smelling them. To me they are like a song or a poem, or a letter written communicating to me deeply. What do they communicate?

When I experience beauty I feel safe. I feel peace, too. But more specifically I think the main feeling is safety. I believe that with every act of creation and design God was communicating. As he was building this world, our bodies, our capacities, and capabilities as humans, he was also designing an experience. The fact that flowers exist communicates to me this life is not all about utility. I feel loved when I experience flowers. My value does not shift with my capabilities, my usefulness. My value is not dependent on how productive I can be, how well I can survive in comparison to others. Survival of the fittest is rediculous, because really who wants to just survive? I do want to be fruitful or as some would say: productive, but I also want to be passionate. Beauty actually soothes my mind enough that I can function, without it you would see my behavior become more and more erratic. It drives me crazy and I think it literally would.

Beauty is a communication from God that his love comes from a place of more than enough. It is more than about what I need. Flowers are definitely non-essential to my survival. But his goal isn't my survival. Beauty gives more than it takes. He is showing me that he is extravagant. When someone possesses more wealth than they need it goes above and beyond meeting those needs. Well what do you do with it then? Meet other peoples needs. Ok so God's wealth is more than able to meet all of our needs. In fact a flower replenishes itself and multiplies itself. That is the nature of God's wealth. His wealth is always increasing. With that wealth that goes beyond all need of all creation God can do with it what He wants. There is no limitation on what he could do. He has absolute power to accomplish what He sets His hand to. What he does with this power and wealth speaks to us about his character. He enjoys showing us who He is. One of the things He did was to create flowers and my ability to enjoy them. To be sure this flower enjoyment is only one aspect of my life. Also it seems quite a marginal piece of my life, but in the end it isn't about the flower, it is about the relationship. It is a very useful communication tool in the grand symphony of his song of love towards us.

I love flowers, and all this is contained in my love for flowers whether I am aware of it or not. They were designed specifically for enjoyment. And so they fill their purpose perfectly. We don't always stop and appreciate them, but they are there just the same a communication that returns again and again to us. A gift from the King who desires us.

Another thing God is communicating through the flower and other beauty he created on earth for us is this. Out of all this beauty I choose you. You are beautiful to me. You are a stand out. I desire you more than any of this. All of this beauty is temporary, but it has a purpose while it is here; communication from the one who originally thought it up. Knowing I am loved, brings forth love in my heart I could not produce. Love for God, and others. What touches me about flowers is the gift they are to me; what they communicate to me. Ultimately if we only look at the flower we miss their purpose. They are poetry from the greatest love to us. If you only look at the flower what you miss is the communication from where they originated the heart of God, and you also miss the explosive effect that love has in the hearts of those who receive that message. It isn't about the flower at all, because it is after all only one such letter of many from God, but it is still special to my heart.